Golf and humor go together like golf and gambling… It’s like they were made for one another. But if you play a lot of golf, chances are you might need to upgrade your golf jokes to keep your golfing buddies entertained.
The next time your buddy barely makes it past the ladies tee box or someone in your group is ready to throw their golf clubs in the lake, use some of these fun jokes. Sometimes a good laugh can break up the stress of a terrible round and can make the game fun again.
Best Golf Jokes (Ultimate List)
We searched far and wide to find the best golf jokes on the internet. Hopefully you’re entertained and always have a good joke for your golfing buddies.
Best Golf Jokes (One-Liners)
1. “Golf is an easy game… it’s just hard to play.”
2. “An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a “Mulligan” which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scottish, “What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?” ‘We call it 3.”
3. “The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.”
This game consumes us all, whether you’re in the office or the locker room, most golfers can’t get enough!
4. “The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I’m having fun.”
5. “The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.”
I’m still laughing myself at this joke.
6. Easy to Remember Golf Joke: “Oxymoron: An easy par three.”
7. “Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!”
While it’s definitely not the cheapest sport in the world, it’s arguably the most rewarding too.
8. “There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly… or start cheating.”
True! Click here to learn how to find the right golf coach to help you shoot lower scores (so you don’t have to cheat during a particularly poor round).
9. “Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.”
Yikes! Isn’t this accurate? With golf you have to find it and then play it from water, under trees or in deep rough!”
10. “Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting.”
Sadly, sandbagging is just part of the game and the guys in the pro shop know who is sandbagging way too often.
11. “Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.”
12. “Golf is a game invented by God to punish guys who retire early.”
13. “Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.”
14. “I enjoy shooting in the 120’s. I figure I’m getting more for my money.”
I think that every golfer can relate to this best joke at some point or another.
15. “My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!”
16. Fairway: [faer-wai]: “An unfamiliar tract of closely mown grass running directly from tee to the green. Your ball can usually be found immediately to the left or right of it.”
17. “The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is the income tax!”
18. “Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.”
Man, this couldn’t be more true!
19. “Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.”
20. “Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play baseball.”
Need help getting in shape so you can hit it longer off the tee box? Make sure to check out our best golf workouts to improve your game.
21. “Forget about all those “how to” books, videos and articles. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!”
22. “Real golfers don’t miss putts, they get robbed.”
23. “I’m not really that bad at putting, I just can’t catch a break.”
24. “Golf is like life.. you strive for the green, but end up in the hole.”
Best Golf Jokes (Q&A)
25. Question: “What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?”
Answer: “Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.”
While this joke isn’t a new one by any means, it couldn’t be more true – sorry even Mother Nature can’t hit that elusive one iron!
Related: How to Hit Long Irons Consistently
26. Question: “Were you really under the whole day?”
Answer: “Yes…under a tree…under a bush…and under the water”
27. Question: “You think my golfing is improving?”
Answer: “Yes, you miss a lot closer now.”
28. Question: “Why do golfers hate cake?”
Answer: “Because they always get slices.”
Seriously, slicing the golf ball is extremely frustrating! If you need help with your slice, make sure to read our comprehensive guide here. I always advise golfers to fix this issue sooner, rather than later.
29. Question: “Why couldn’t Cinderella play golf?”
Answer: “Because she always runs away from the ball.”
30. Question: “How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.”
Answer: “You know you’re a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!”
31. Question: “What did one golf ball say to another golf ball?”
Answer: “See you round.”
32. Question: “What did the driver yell at the golf cart that cut him off?”
Answer: “Kiss my putt.”
33. Question: “Why do golf courses get hot after tournaments?”
Answer: “Because all of the fans leave.”
Remember when there were no fans on the PGA Tour in 2020? It’s great to have them back and we all love them cheering on the best golfers in the world.
34. Question: What did Nat King Cole sing after he won a round of golf?
Answer: Un-fore-gettable, in every way.
35. Question: “What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?”
Answer: “Golfers go WACK…”Damn” and skydivers go “Damn”…WACK.”
After playing golf for 20+ years and skydiving a few times, I can say they both provide some scary but exciting moments.
36. Question: “When is it too wet to play golf?”
Answer: “When your golf cart capsizes.”
37. Question: “What did you get on your last hole?”
We’ve all been there. Golf might be the best sport ever but it’s extremely disheartening at times. If you’re recently playing bad or struggling with your game, make sure to create a solid pre-shot routine to anchor your game.
38. Question: “Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?”
Answer: “A golf course!”
39. Question: “Why are computers so good at golf?”
Answer: “Because they have hard drives.”
40. Question: “Why couldn’t Tiger listen to music?”
Answer: “Because he broke all of the records.”
Seriously, it’s still hard to believe how many records Tiger has broken on the golf course. Hopefully, he will find a way to come back after his scary car accident and play professional golf once again. He still has a few records left to break!
41. Question: “Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?”
Answer: “Because that’s how long it took the Scotts who invented the game to finish their bottle of whiskey!”
42. Question: “Which actress is incredible at golf?”
Answer: “Minnie Driver.”
43. Question: “Have you ever wondered how the moon got craters?”
Answer: “Three words: Chuck Norris golfing.”
45. Question: “Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?”
46. Question: “What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?”
Answer: “The Bogey.”
47. Question: “What are the primary components of a golfer’s diet?”
Answer: “A lot of greens and water.”
48. Question: “What do you call a lion playing golf?”
Answer: “Roarin’ Mcilroy.”
Love this! Rory is one of the biggest names in the game and always entertaining to watch.
49. Question: “Why does Sir-Mix-a-Lot always chip the ball away from the flagstick?”
Answer: “He likes big putts and he cannot lie.”
50. Question: “What did the sign above the golf club bar say?”
Answer: “Don’t drink and drive. Don’t even putt.”
51. Question: “What is a golfer’s favorite bird?”
Answer: “Any birdie will do.”
52. Question: “What’s the easiest shot in golf?”
Answer: “Your fourth putt.”
Need helping rolling the flat stick on the golf course? Click here to read our post about lag putting to avoid 3 (or 4) putts.
53. Question: “What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?”
Answer: “When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.”
54. Question: “What is the easiest way to hook a ball?”
Answer: “Try to slice it.”
This couldn’t be any more true! Golf is a crazy game and there is nothing worse than a double cross miss.
Golf Dad Jokes
Nothing like some good Dad humor… right? Here are some of the best golf jokes that every dad will appreciate.
55. “What should NASA do if it wants to explore water on Mars? Send a golfer there to hit a golf ball.”
56. “What do golfers do on their days off? Putter around.”
57. “Why do golf announcers whisper? Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.”
58. “Why does the golf pro tell you to keep your head down during lessons? So you can’t see them laughing.”
59. “Do you play off scratch?” said one player. The other replied: “I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”
60. “How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? Fore.”
61. “You’re late on the tee, John.” “Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”“Okay, but why are you so late?” “I had to toss it 15 times!”
63. “What is a golfer’s worst nightmare? The Bogeyman.”
64. “Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players!”
65. “Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy some more.”
66. “There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.”
Golf Jokes for Mixed Company
67. “A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked a question. ‘Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?’ She asked her instructor.
‘P-U-T-T is correct,’ the instructor replied. ‘P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. ‘P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing.”
68. “What does a golfer like to hear from his wife?”…. “Talk birdie to me.”
69. “You spend too much time thinking about golf! Do you even remember the day we got married? Of course I do! It was the same day I sank that 45-foot putt.”
70. “Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.”
I’m sure even the ladies will get a kick out of this golf joke!
71. “Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best-ball match… wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation. On the final hole, the match was all even and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen-foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the winning putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole… dead on line.
Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, “Right train, wrong ticket.”
The wife, failing to see the humor and not cracking a smile, replied, “No sleeper cars on that train either.”
72. “In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.”
73. “Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.”
74. “A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. “There,” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday.” “Well,” replied the husband, “I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days.”
Funny Golf Jokes, Quotes and Sayings
75. “The best wood in most golfer’s bags is the pencil.”
76. “Golf is a lot like taxes… you go for the green and come out in the hole.”
77. “A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
Related: How to Play Better Golf in the Rain
78. “I have a tip that will take five strokes off anyone’s golf game. It’s called an eraser.”
Wise words from the great Arnold Palmer.
79. “A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.”
80. “Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you spend more time praying on the course than if you went to church.”
81. “The average golfer walks about 150 km and drinks four litres of alcohol each year. Which means golfers get about 38 km to the litre.”
82. “Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice.”
Most golfers don’t actually get better, even if they have regular practice because most don’t practice with purpose. Click here to read our best practice drills so you can actually improve when hitting golf balls.
83. “Golf is a game in which you yell ‘Fore,’ shoot six and write down five.” —Harold Coffin
84. “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” —Mark Twain
85. Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them? In case they get a hole in one
86. A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “did you have a good time out there?” The man replied “fabulous, thank you.” “You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?” Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were.”
87. “Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.”
88. “The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.”
89. “An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice … once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.”
90. “Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.”
91. “If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.”
92. “Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.”
Funny Golf Stories (Best Golf Jokes – Short Stories)
If you have some extra time in the locker room and need to get the guys talking, I’m sure they will love these short stories.
93. “John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Neither man trusted the other’s arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,”What’d you have?Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. “Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself – ” No, no…. a five.”
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!” “Eight?” Bob said, “I couldn’t have had eight.”
John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven.”
“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.
John told him, “One stroke penalty, for improving your lie.”
94. “A Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course. Mac putted out and walked back to the cart. As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome. The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question: “What was the bet?”
95. “An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round and is paired with three locals. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway.
With a big smile, he asks the others, “In the States, we call that a mulligan. What do you call it here in Ireland?” After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”
96. “James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. James asked the pro: “What do you think of my game?”
The pro replied: “You should shorten your clubs by 1 inch.”
James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, “No! It will help them fit in the trash can!”
97. “An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, “St. Peter, where is the golf course?”
“I’m terribly sorry,” replies St. Peter, “But that’s one thing we don’t have here.”
The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer’s rejection of heaven.
“This way, sir,” says the devil, “the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia.”
98. “The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he’d rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package. “So,” he says to the devil, “why don’t you go get me some clubs and balls and I’ll have the game of my after-life.”
“I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have any.”
“What?” says the man. “No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?”
“No, sir,” says the devil fiendishly, “That’s the hell of it.”
99. “One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”
Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?”
John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven.”
100. “An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. The golfer duffed his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out of the rough onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some sort of weird game and they continued to observe the golfer. The golfer then skulled a shot into a bunker by the green. He then took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
At this point, the other alien told his partner, “Wow, now he is in serious trouble!”
101. “A fellow caddy and I recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed, “I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?” My friend the caddy replied, “There are plenty worse than you sir but they all quit playing years ago.”
102. “Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-3 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, “I’m going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here.”
Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.
Jesus turns to Moses and says, “How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?”
Moses says, “No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I’m not going to be a party to it!”
Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.
One of them asks Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses turns and says, “No, he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
Final Thoughts on Best Golf Jokes
As you can tell, there are an endless number of golf jokes to choose from. Whether you want short one liner golf jokes or short stories to share during the round on the golf course, we got you covered.
Even after a terrible tee shot, sometimes a a good joke will make everyone laugh and play a stress free round of golf.